Sometimes I feel a little strange dirty-talking to my boyfriend. Maybe I haven't heard my own voice enough, but is there a way to ease into this?
I was going to tell a really funny story about this, but I decided it revealed too much.
With that said, this is about context. Think about how you are treated and spoken to at a really nice restaurant. The wait staff accommodates your requests with professionalism and treats you very well. Now think about how you’re treated at McDonalds. If a McDonalds team member came up to you as you were eating a Big Mac and said, “Excuse me madam, but perhaps a carbonated beverage would help you wash down your meal this evening?” You’d be asking yourself where the fuck did that guy come from?
That’s how I view dirty talking. If you’re caught in the trance and both of you are in that sexual state of mind, then you can literally say anything you want and it won’t be awkward because it fits the situation. If you actually mean it from your heart and aren’t just parroting something you saw in a porn clip, then you truly have nothing to worry about. Rewire the connection of mouth-to-brain to mouth-to-pussy and let your lips do the rest. Everyone wins.
In the beginning of the 7th grade, I started wearing the same hoodie everyday to school. The sweatshirt’s purpose was to hide my boners and avoid embarrassment from strange protrusions, which were becoming more and more frequent. It was very annoying because I felt kids were judging me for wearing the same hoodie everyday, even when the weather was warm.
In the summer before the 8th grade I was listening to Loveline on the radio (a staple of middle school summer nights) when a teenager called in with a question. “How do I hide my boner?” Adam Corolla sighed and answered simply, “You just hide it under your belt buckle.” This tactic in boner management had never occurred to me before.
I threw away the hoodie and life was much easier after that. Thanks Adam.
I was in the Red Light district in Amsterdam one time and this man in front of a door says, “Sex show my friend? Girls, pussies, penis, lesbians, everything you could ever want! Party inside!!!” “How much?” “Only fifty Euros!” “Why not.”
Between sex sets of lesbians and guys fucking girls and the hot girl with the banana and a male stripper, this song played. I thought it was a rather peculiar song choice to play between sets at a sex show in Amsterdam.
Lets play the game where you walk in on me reading your favorite book in nothing but my skivvies. You can play with me while I read aloud to you until I simply can't anymore.
1) You are from England, because you used the word “skivvies” and I had to look it up.
2) My favorite book in the whole wide world (you spelled “favorite” like an American though?) is a book most people think is very boring and they don’t like it after they pick it up. If by chance you actually read it and liked it even just a little bit, I’d get the hardest veiny hard on that the world had ever seen and it would split you in half and then I wouldn’t have a pussy to fuck, a girl to read to me, and a subject of the Queen to listen to Beatles records with.